It’s killing me.
Today I brought Secundo, my beautiful little 5-year-old son, home from school. He was very excited about his day, and more excited that I let him press some buttons in the car. He was happy.
On entering the house, he realised that his sister had arrived earlier and she had contravened the Television Watching Act 2010 (the lawyers amongst you may not be familiar with this obscure but important piece of legislation, it was enacted after Duck Parents v Duck Children 2009 ended in prolonged and eventually unlawful whinging). The law states that “no Duck child may watch television unless a quorum of Duck children are present or have approved the watching.”
Secundo has a particularly strong sense of justice (and injustice) and was outraged that my daughter Prima dared to defend her contravention. She had apparently secured permission from the Executive (or at least one half of it) to watch 5 minutes (which of course turned into 30 minutes).
This ignited a heated debate about the television law, appropriate exception and waivers, extenuating circumstances and loopholes. Neither of them can remember to brush their teeth at night but they both have a litany of each others’ violations recorded in their tiny minds.
Secundo’s tearful outrage followed by Prima’s whingeful defence followed by Tercero’s sympathetic mimicking woke up our napping Newborn. By this stage I was ready to beat the plasma to death with my breast pump, thereby destroying two hateful machines in one go.
Thankfully I had to leave the house to pick up my husband, the half of the Executive that had thoughtlessly allowed a 5 minute waiver of the Television Act 2010, precipitating the latest round of filial bickering, whinging and wailing.
On the ride home we went over the rules together (please see above) and added a new amendment, “no Duck parent may issue a waiver to the Act without permission from the other Duck parent.”
When we came home we found four little Duck children, their faces tear-stained and tired, but calmly and happily sitting together, in front of the television.